Where Do I Lead My Group?
Words like transparent, intimate, care and share have been used for many years. While
there is nothing wrong with the use of these words, they have unfortunately become THE
goal of some small group programs. They represent the beginning and end of all they
believe small groups are supposed to be and become. The reality is, not everyone is
interested in what they think intimacy or care and share means. In particular, men are
rather reluctant to join a group where they believe their personal space is going to be
violated. It doesn't mean they don't eventually want to be open, accountable or
challenged. But, it does mean they don't want their life pried open and their soul peaked
into without some healthy trust being developed first.
Some authors have described the kind of relationships were looking for in terms of three
kinds of space or locations. There is the front porch, the living room and the kitchen. It
may be helpful if you use this metaphor to think about leading a small group relationally.
The front porch represents the lowest level of risk and information sharing. It is usually
very public space, requires some initial risk to actually knock on the front door, and to
answer the door. But once the preliminary information is shared, name, reason for
calling, etc., general conversation ensues. It is a safe place to get to know one another
before making or accepting the invitation to step into the house.
The living room represents the place where more meaningful and deeper information is
shared. Whether it is a salesman explaining the specifics of the policy, or a couple
getting to know one another on a date, the living room offers a little more privacy, a little
more opportunity to develop trust. Here we decide if we really want to buy into what we're
being offered.
The kitchen table is the third kind of space. Here is where real life is shared. Often the
sink is full of dirty dishes, but by the time you've earned the right to just walk in and sit
down, no one cares about what you see, and quite frankly, it doesn't bother you. Here is
where bread is broken and the deep issues of life are discussed, often over a cup of
coffee. Some groups will naturally develop into the kind of supportive community where
little is held back and people are willing to be “real” with one another.
For those of you fortunate enough to get to the kitchen table and experience this kind of
deep relationship, I give God thanks. However, not all of you will get to the kitchen table -
and that is absolutely alright. Give God thanks for where your group is in the moment. If
they are willing to walk into the next realm, take them there. But if they are happy where
they are and reluctant to venture farther in, then learn to recognize the space where they
are at and utilize it to the best of your ability to deepen the faith of those you are leading.
In fact, most groups will fluctuate from one room to the next - perhaps several times in one
night. So it is important that you keep your eyes and ears open to your surroundings
and the conversation taking place. Don't rush it; don't push it; let the Holy Spirit do the
work, and you will be amazed at where your group may find themselves.
Words like transparent, intimate, care and share have been used for many years. While
there is nothing wrong with the use of these words, they have unfortunately become THE
goal of some small group programs. They represent the beginning and end of all they
believe small groups are supposed to be and become. The reality is, not everyone is
interested in what they think intimacy or care and share means. In particular, men are
rather reluctant to join a group where they believe their personal space is going to be
violated. It doesn't mean they don't eventually want to be open, accountable or
challenged. But, it does mean they don't want their life pried open and their soul peaked
into without some healthy trust being developed first.
Some authors have described the kind of relationships were looking for in terms of three
kinds of space or locations. There is the front porch, the living room and the kitchen. It
may be helpful if you use this metaphor to think about leading a small group relationally.
The front porch represents the lowest level of risk and information sharing. It is usually
very public space, requires some initial risk to actually knock on the front door, and to
answer the door. But once the preliminary information is shared, name, reason for
calling, etc., general conversation ensues. It is a safe place to get to know one another
before making or accepting the invitation to step into the house.
The living room represents the place where more meaningful and deeper information is
shared. Whether it is a salesman explaining the specifics of the policy, or a couple
getting to know one another on a date, the living room offers a little more privacy, a little
more opportunity to develop trust. Here we decide if we really want to buy into what we're
being offered.
The kitchen table is the third kind of space. Here is where real life is shared. Often the
sink is full of dirty dishes, but by the time you've earned the right to just walk in and sit
down, no one cares about what you see, and quite frankly, it doesn't bother you. Here is
where bread is broken and the deep issues of life are discussed, often over a cup of
coffee. Some groups will naturally develop into the kind of supportive community where
little is held back and people are willing to be “real” with one another.
For those of you fortunate enough to get to the kitchen table and experience this kind of
deep relationship, I give God thanks. However, not all of you will get to the kitchen table -
and that is absolutely alright. Give God thanks for where your group is in the moment. If
they are willing to walk into the next realm, take them there. But if they are happy where
they are and reluctant to venture farther in, then learn to recognize the space where they
are at and utilize it to the best of your ability to deepen the faith of those you are leading.
In fact, most groups will fluctuate from one room to the next - perhaps several times in one
night. So it is important that you keep your eyes and ears open to your surroundings
and the conversation taking place. Don't rush it; don't push it; let the Holy Spirit do the
work, and you will be amazed at where your group may find themselves.
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